Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Kam’s Column - 18/03/03
Hello Again!
I’m going to try to avoid talking about the war this week. I imagine it will be a little like that superb Fawlty Towers episode where Basil has to avoid mentioning WW2 to a group of guests. It’s just always on my mind right now, especially with the news coverage – and now that the politicians are revolting as well you really can’t get away from it. Sorry – that’s a donation to the ‘Don’t Mention The War’ box then…Of course, I think that my mind will be taken off things a little by the pending grudge match between our best boys and our rivals Nottingham Forest. By the time you read this however, the match will almost certainly be over (unless there is an unprecedented amount of injury time I suppose). I predict that, naturally, Derby will win after a hard fought battle – plenty of sweat and tears will be shed (but not too much blood I hope as that always makes me feel a little queasy). As for scores… Hmm. My crystal wheel bearings suggest 3-2, or could be 1-2? And which way round? That’s the problem with crystal bearings – they are a little small to see the future in…
On to this week’s tale of woe corrected. Mr Jefferson (no, not of Jefferson Airplane) is the Managing Director of a local company who we do quite a bit of work for. Thanks to the success of his business, he recently bought a superb two year old 4.6-litre V8 Range Rover to take him from A to B, crossing via C as he went. Recently we had it in for a major service and, as it was in the workshop, Mr Jefferson asked us to install his sound system (no wonder they knocked Wembley down – stick Simply Red in the plush leather seats and you’ve got a mobile grand stadium arena complete with sound system) as well as remote central locking and an immobiliser. This time though, there was a problem to be fixed.
“Kev, the ride is absolutely appalling,” Mr Jefferson said, once he’d found a parking space big enough to accommodate the vehicle’s girth. “It’s pulling to the left, the ride is lumpy and it just doesn’t feel right. Will you take a look?”
“No problems,” I replied. “I see that you have fitted new wheels since we’ve last had it in.” These new wheels were gigantic.
“Yes. I decided that the standard 18-inchers just didn’t have It, so I upgraded. Those are 22s,” he looked pretty pleased with himself.
Once we’d shoehorned the behemoth into the workshop, the most obvious thing to check was the wheel alignment. So, we hooked it up to the lasers and found that everything was spot on, the wheels lined up perfectly. The tread and pressure was fine on all of the tyres and all of the lower suspension arms were in perfect condition (amazing really as I know that this Range Rover has seen plenty of off-road action even in its short life).
Curiouser and curiouser. The steering box was just like new, the steering arms worked smoothly and correctly – so it couldn’t be that. I even swapped all of the wheels round several times (side to side, front to back and corner to corner), taking it out for test drives in between – still no improvement.
While I was sitting there scratching my head, Scott came up with a cracking idea.
“If this has been off-road Kev, could the top of the suspension mounts be bent?”
Excitedly I hurled myself into the task with abandon. Only to find a minute later that the entire suspension assembly was perfect.
In desperation, I stripped the brakes down, on the off chance that one of the discs was locking up – still nothing. There was only one thing left to do.
“Mr Jefferson, do you still have the original wheels and tyres?”
“Sure I do Kev. I think that they are downstairs right now. I’ll just go down to check.” I waited, listening to the phone line’s tinny crackle. “Yup, found them. Do you want me to drop them in to you?”
Once we’d received the original alloys, I refitted them to the Range Rover and took it out for a spin. It felt, regular reader, like a new car. The steering was positive and direct, the ride smooth and it was definitely quicker out of the blocks. It was obviously something to do with those massive 22-inch alloys – and to be honest, I have no idea what. Once we’d established that the car was perfect on the original wheels, I tested the replacements for bends or any other kind of defect and found nothing.
Sometimes, I think that it is best to leave a car with its original wheels. If the engineer thinks that 18s will do the job, then he’s probably right. In this case, the addition of the 22-inchers obviously threw some integral part of the car’s geometry right out – without damaging any of the components. Now Mr Jefferson is stuck with about £4000 worth of useless wheels and tyres…
That’s a wrap for this week regular reader – and look, I made it to the end of the editorial without voicing my opinions on this war! But I will say this; I don’t… Actually, no, best not – otherwise the ‘Don’t Mention The War’ box will get rather full!
Until next time,
Dr Kev Allen
