Tuesday, August 27, 2002
Kams Column - 27/08/02
Hello again!
I’ve had quite a few people tell me in the past few days that my columns aren’t as funny as they used to be. Well, I’m flattered that they were ever objects of merriment – I’m not a comedien despite what the boys in the workshops might tell you! I try to stick to what I’m good at, but it’s nice to think that you’re chuckling into your cornflakes at the Kam antics…I know I usually make some passing reference to the week’s football, but as I said, I’m not a comedien and that really isn’t funny… The last week has been otherwise uneventful, apart from the story that I’m about to relate.
As you all know, Kam is known as the fixer of all things rattling, squeeking and buzzing – especially if they only happen at 35.34mph down a deserted backroad at night in second gear. Still, we aim to please, but this job was a little different to the usual rounds of automotive poltergeists. Mrs Dorothy Samson (name changed to protect the innocent) brought her rather fine six year old Toyota Corrola into the workshop first thing on Tuesday morning.
“I want to speak to the man from the paper,” she announced when she arrived at reception. For a second, Shaun had the temerity to look blank..
“You know, young man, the one who writes every week. Trev Allen.”
“Ahh” light dawned with Shaun. “You mean Kev.”
“Yes – that’s what I said. Trev.” She fixed Shaun with a beady stare (make a note of this fact, regular reader, because it holds the key to the story. The mistake with my name that is, not the beady stare…). I was duly summoned.
“There’s this noise, Trev” she gestured towards the car. “It’s a very loud crackling that starts everytime I turn the ignition on. And if I should happen to turn the wireless on too… Well Trev, I can bearly hear the girls on the way to bingo.”
“We’ll take a look at it for you,” I replied.
“Good Trev. I’ll pop back tomorrow afternoon and see how you’re doing. I understand that you’re good at fixing things.” Before I could reply, she was gone (her details were already logged with Shaun). True to form, I sent one of the boys out just after lunch to give the car a trial run.
“I ca’t hear anything, Trev… erm Kev” said Glynn on his return. “The exhaust might be blowing a touch, but other than that it is quiet as a night on my boat…”
I neglected to ask Glynn how quiet nights on his boat were, especially when I knew that he enjoyed mooring up in some of the busiest ports this side of the Suez Canal. Strangely, Elliot had exactly the same experience later on when he took it around the block. As did Shaun – and he took the car back to Leicester with him!
When Mrs Samson returned the next day, she walked through the car park with a look of horror on her face.
“Trev, have you left my car running?”
“No, Mrs Samson, why?”
“That noise – it’s worse than ever! What have you done to Kitty?”
Kitty???
“We can’t find anything wrong with it Mrs Samson. We’ve done every test we can think of and can’t hear anything.” Well, the look that crossed her face had to be seen to be believed. She turned to look out at the car and that is when I saw – or, more accurately, heard it. There was a slight whine coming from her left ear – which had a hearing aid in. But how to broach the subject?
“Mrs Samson,” I said, delicately. “I think I know what is wrong.” I tapped my left ear. “When did you have your battery replaced?”
Mrs Samson blushed to the roots of her blue rinse. “Oh Trev, I feel so silly!”
“That’s not a problem, the wiring in your car would have caused you to hear those noises as your battery wore down.”
Yes Trev, now that I think about it, my husband’s microwave pizza was making a very funny noise the other night…”
Fortunately, she did see the funny side and was quite happy once she had a new battery. Talking of funny, the AA have brought two people in this week with timing belt failures – and their owners were in a decidely bad humour. Some people evidently don’t read this column… Plus there has been more than one MoT done this week where the oil and water levels have been found to be only just high enough…
Until next week, don’t be scared of things that go crackle in the traffic – Kam’ll sort them out!
Dr Kev Allen
